Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Ten Magical Steps to Win the Evangelical Vote in an Election

Few of you probably know that in my first two years of college I actually wanted to go into politics. I was planning on getting a prelaw degree, and moving on to whatever law school would take me, and work my way to eventually become a Senator. Thank God I was called out of that and received a heart-change to instead go into ministry.

However, if I ever change my mind and decide to run for office, this year has given me plenty of lessons to tuck away for that. I mean, Donald Trump keeps winning all of these Evangelical voters; obviously, he must be a man of God!

I decided to set up a list of ten points I should emulate in order to win the Evangelical vote in a Presidential Primary. These points hardly need any elaboration:

1) Have multiple affairs.

2) Use nasty, sexist terms in referring to women who disagree with me.

3) Boast about taking advantage of corrupt politicians for my own financial gain.

4) Be pro-partial birth abortion.

5) Mock disabled people's disabilities when they disagree with me.

6) Demean the service of a war hero who was tortured for years in Vietnam, saying, "He's not a war hero; he got caught. I like people who don't get caught".

7) Tell a group of Christians that I've never asked God to forgive me (and this is after all of those affairs).

8) Advocate for targeting the families of terrorists.

9) Advocate for Eminent Domain for private businesses; where private businesses can use the government to take your property by force in order to build their strip clubs and casinos.

10) Make millions in said strip clubs and casinos.

I mean, this stuff is straight out of the Gospels, am I right? When I ask, "What Would Jesus Do", I immediately think of at least three of these ten things!

Thank you, Evangelicals, for voting for such a godly, respectable, conservative man like Donald Trump. You've given me hope for a bright, Spirit-led future for the Church in these United States.

(In case you're a typical Trump supporter, this is called sarcasm.)

Hey there! I'm looking at finishing my undergrad this summer (May-July 2016) by taking my last two classes in the U.K. and Ireland for a month and a half. I've never been there before, and it would be a really great opportunity to see the homeland of the Anglican Communion, of which I am a part and prayerfully considering to become a priest in. However, I'm needing some more funds for the trip and would greatly appreciate your help. I've set up a GoFundMe page, so if you would, I'd appreciate you taking a look at it. Just FYI, the GoFundMe page takes 25% of the donation you give me; if you know me personally, it'd be best to just contact me and mail or give me a check. Either way, I seriously appreciate you taking the time to read my articles; I hope they've helped you. Please keep me in your prayers, as I'm transitioning in life and about ready to start the process to be examined for the Anglican clergy. God bless you all!

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